Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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