I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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