My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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