i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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