Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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