I just pynch a tree in the face
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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