I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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