When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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