Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
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if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
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I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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