Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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