the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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