What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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