I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize