Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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