Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
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The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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