How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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