Will you blow on my dice?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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