Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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