i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
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He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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