we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
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Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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