he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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