My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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