Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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