I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
All the doctor said was why
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize