his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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