Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize