It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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