I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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