Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
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You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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