Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
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is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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