Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
honey bunches of taint.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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