The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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