NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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