Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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