Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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