I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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