why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
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Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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