Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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