Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
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I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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