i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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