I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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