i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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