She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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