Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize