I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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