he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
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Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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