She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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