I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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