pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
