I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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